stopviolenceuw

Gettin’ Jiggy

In Uncategorized on October 25, 2011 at 4:13 pm

Alright, everyone, prepare yourselves – today we are going to have a frank conversation about SEX.

Sex seems to be one of those things that is on a lot of people’s minds but we have a really rough time talking about it.  Sure, it’s easier with your friends – talking with your guys about the hook up you had last night, or chatting with your girls about his sexual prowess and technique (or lack thereof).  These are things that we find a little bit easier, right?  But when it comes to talking with your partner – well, we just don’t want to have that conversation?

Why?  Because it can be awkward, uncomfortable.  Because we don’t want to say what we really think or want because we don’t want to be perceived negatively by our partner, or we don’t want to hurt our partner’s feelings or make them think that we’re not interested in them.  There are a billion reasons why we DON’T have the conversation.

But there are even more reasons why we SHOULD have the conversation.  For starters, if you actually communicate what you want, you’re much more likely to get it.  By and large, we are not mind readers – if you don’t tell your partner what you want, then how do you expect them to know?  For example: Girls, if he doesn’t know where your clitoris is, you need to tell him, otherwise he’s just gonna keep doing what he’s doing thinking that it’s what you like.  Guys, if she uses too much teeth or not enough suction when giving you a blowjob, you need to tell her, otherwise you’re just going to be up there thinking about porno or whatever in order to get off.

Another reason to talk is that by communicating your needs, wants, and desires, you are forming an even closer bond with your partner.  Sex is one of the most intimate things that you can do with another person.  You are sharing your body with them.  By communicating, you are offering another little piece of yourself to your partner and demonstrating your affection and respect for him/her.

If you’re not really looking for anything too intimate, too committed, and just want nice, no-strings-attached sex, this communication is still essential.  If you are communicating your intentions, as well as your desires, with your partner, then you are still showing your affection and respect for them as a person.  By letting them know that you’re not looking for anything serious and this is purely about sex, there is much less of a chance of there being hurt feelings later.  Miscommunication can lead to so many heartbreaks and drama.  Nip it in the bud and just communicate your intentions for the start – if they change, then communicate them again.

If you are communicating and LISTENING to your partner, then there is no reason why you can’t have a fun, sexy, and healthy sex life, whether you are in a committed relationship or just “hooking up.”  Now, I’m going to skip over the whole STD/use contraception speech here, even though it’s a crucial part of having a healthy sex life.  That’s a whole separate post for another day.  Suffice it to say for now that you should ALWAYS use a condom, whether for intercourse or oral sex – STDs are rampant in our society and you need to take every precaution to protect yourself and your partner from catching one of these nasty little buggers.

So, I’m going to give you a few easy tips to having that conversation with your partner.  And, since a lot of the time, people don’t have the conversation until they’re in the throes of passion, I’m going to focus my tips on that setting.  Keep in mind though: it is always better to have the conversation fully-clothed, in a well-lit room, sitting as equals.  It may not be easier – but it is certainly more effective than trying to shove the conversation into a hormone-charged, passion-filled moment between the sheets.

Having the Awkward Consent Conversation In Bed (Without It Being Awkward)

  1. What Do YOU Want?
    Before you can communicate what you want with your partner, you have to know what you want and what you’re comfortable with.  This may take some “homework” outside of your relations with your partner – namely, masturbation.  If you know what you like and what feels good for you, then you are much more likely to know what to ask for when you’re with someone else.  Or, just run through a laundry list of sexual activities in your head and keep them on retainer for when the moment arises.  For example, you may be really into oral sex, comfortable with intercourse, but have no interest with anal sex.  That’s fine!  Knowing this will let you feel more confident in saying “no” or “hell yes!” should the situation arise.
  2. Make “The Talk” Work for the Moment
    Stopping to ask for consent has often been pegged as a “mood killer,” and if you ask for consent like a robot would (think Terminator asking: “Can I touch you here?”), then I would have to agree, it is a mood killer.  But believe me when I tell you – it does not have to be!  Asking for consent is why dirty talk was invented!  For example, if you want to “go down” on your girlfriend but don’t know if that’s what she wants, then you start kissing her stomach and SLOWLY heading “downstairs,” saying something like, “I want to taste you so bad” or “God, I just want to lick your [insert your favorite euphemism for vagina here].”  If your partner says, “Yes, Oh God Yes,” it’s safe to assume that she’s into it too.  If she says, “I don’t know about that,” or doesn’t say anything at all, that’s where you STOP.  You wait until she says yes.  If you’re confused, like her body language is saying “yes” but she isn’t verbally saying anything, you make your asking more specific, like, “Do you want me to lick you?” or “What do you want me to do to you, baby?”  Dirty talk – the magical little tool to combine a not inherently sexy asking-of-permission with a super sexy conversation.  Gotta love it!
  3. Don’t Be Afraid to Say “No.”
    You should only engage in a sexual activity if you really want to – it is okay to say “no.”  If you’re not in the mood to do something, say so.  If your partner truly appreciates and respects you, he/she will listen and not press the issue.  Begging your partner to do something (“Come on, baby, you know you want to.  It won’t take long.  C’mon, for me.  Please?”) is a) not sexy and b) coercion.  Coerced consent, a reluctant “yes” or “fine,” is not consent!  Wouldn’t you rather play with someone who really wants to play with you, instead of someone who’s just going through the motions to satisfy you?

Still feel awkward?  Then it may be time to sit down with yourself and consider what it is specifically that makes you feel uncomfortable.  A student once told me, “If you can’t talk about it, you shouldn’t be doing it.”  Smarter words were never spoken.  It’s important to feel comfortable with sex and talking about it, especially with your partner, is a strong indication that you are comfortable with it.  Think about it – if you don’t want to talk about it, are you really all that comfortable actually doing it?

And believe me, I get it.  I know all the reasons not to talk about it and have even been there myself and regretted not saying something when I was uncomfortable.  Talking about what you want and what you don’t is the best way that you have to have the best and most rewarding sexual experience.  Otherwise, we’re all just fumbling in the dark, hoping that the body part we grab was the right one and that our partner doesn’t do that thing that you hate.

So, let’s talk about SEX, baby!

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